I can’t take this anymore…You and me…We’re just not working out…All of the physical and emotional abuse that you put me through…On a daily basis…It’s not the way we should be…So I’m doing this for me…And no, I don’t want your sympathy…And I’m sure I’ll never have your empathy…So…I gotta go
I can’t keep hiding swollen, blood-shot eyes…Result of too many late night, depression stemmed cries…So just let me say my final good-bye’s: Good-bye to the razor sharp kisses on my wrist…Good-bye to the many different prescription candies you forced between my lips…Good-bye to those who never cared…And good-bye to those who were never there…I mean, I tried my hardest to be the person you wanted me to be…But that just wasn’t good enough for you…And now I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do…So…I gotta go
And no, this isn’t a suicide letter…Not a good-bye forever…Just a good-bye for now…Because somewhere, somehow…I lost control over the one thing I should know…Me…So I gotta go…And it hurts like hell but…I gotta go…I need to find myself again…And not even then…can we allow us to once again happen…because I deserve a life in which I can grow…a life in which I can smile…a life that’s certainly worthwhile…so there will be no tears as I walk away…There are no final words that I want to hear you say…Just know that I’m on my way and…I gotta go…I do wish you the best…And I pray that your next victim is blessed...With enough strength to pass your deadly test…But it won’t be me…Because…I gotta go.
So I'm loving life right now and I think I need to celebrate this new-found happiness!
I want another tattoo!
I don't know where/what/when, but I HAVE to get one. I already have three so this wouldn't be a new experience or anything but the rush is still pretty amazing. I'll try to explain lol. It's like being out of control while having complete control! The pain is inevitable (uncontrollable), but you learn to tolerate it(controllable). In life sometimes I have no control whatsoever, so to be able to say "I want this tattoo on this part of body" is kind of liberating. Especially knowing that it will be there forever...some say that's the downside of it, but if you get the right tattoo with some actual meaning behind, then you have a story/stories to tell for the rest of your life. The stories of my life...thus far lol...after the jump:
"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it's gonna take me so long to get somewhere"
Have we not all at one point felt the exact way Ms. Keys so effortlessly expressed? I know I have. For the longest time I felt as if I was out of place in the world, yet I was constantly trying to get somewhere. Where? I had no idea but I just knew I had to get there.
"Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded"
I honestly spent years trying to explain myself to someone, anyone who would genuinely listen, but I had been burned--so I thought--by so many people that I couldn't really let anyone in. I walked around with a heavy heart, guarded by brick walls, metal doors, prison bars, bolt locks, and bullet proof glass. No one was gettin in! I put on a fake smile just about everyday and just hid my pain and dealt with it all by my lonesome.
"But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear"
Mind you, I'm only 21 and this pain had been with me for years...probably since elementary school. It was horrible. As a kid I was sort of outgoing and wanted to do normal kid stuff, but after I moved to GA I realized I was alone in my struggle. I became introverted. I was alone, but I thought I had to be alone. This was 8th grade. Then this idea that I was, and had to be, alone turned into me wanting to be alone. No one was good enough to be in my life, and those that were good enough were truly special people--most of which are still there. Unfortunately, I carried the notion of needing to be alone with me into college. It stopped me from enjoying life, plus I was literally starting to hate myself. I had to change with the quickness.
"And it's a long, long way to heaven, but I gotta get there"
After years and years of searching and questioning,I realized that ultimately I was trying to find my way to heaven, which had a lot to do with happiness. But in all that time, I was looking for it in the wrong places. I was trying to find happiness in the world around me, instead of looking towards God and finding the happiness within myself. Then, just recently, I said enough is enough, I have to be happy with myself and stop worrying about what others think of me...what people think of me is none of business! Now, I wish I could say I'm completely in that place but I'm not. I still fear judgment. I still expect the worst from people I meet. I still over-analyze many of the situations I'm in. The difference is, now, I'm happy with myself! No one can take that away. Nope, I won't let them. I can't go back to that lonely space again.
"Can you send an angel? Can you send me an angel to guide me?"
I spoke about a few special people that are good enough to be in my life, but honestly I feel like I'm lucky to have them in my life. I feel like they are my angels because no matter what they are the people I know will be there for me. A couple of them I've known since I was extremely young (my Jersey fam...especially two people that I will forever consider my brothers though we don't speak as often as we should lol), then there's my GA people that I always have good times and conversations with, and then of course there's my real family (they can be replaced by no one). I think these people are my angels. They've saved me without knowing it and I love them for that!
So after all of that, I want you to know that whatever you are going through, it will be okay. It might be hard and you might feel alone, but trust me you're not. If no one else is with you, God is, and I am too! Hold your head up high and know that you can make it.
**The struggle is merely the prelude to a kiss**
- Kidd
(P.S. The exact cause of my pain was left out on purpose lol)
"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity" ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have this quote in my actual personal statement because it is simply the truth. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a brilliant man who had the ability to open his mind and heart to what was happening with humanity. He realized that in order for this world to really move forward, we all have to do our part and help one another. It wasn't/isn't a Black and White thing, as much as it was, and still is, a human-to-human/brother-to-brother/sister-to-sister thing. He wanted us to stop turning our backs on each other with hate and lend a hand with love; if we could learn to do that everyday and stop living in our own little boxes, where all we see is our own little issues, then our community really would be a better place. We need to start helping regardless of what the next man is/isn't doing for us. We need to start loving regardless of the hate we see daily. We need to start giving regardless of whether we are ever on the receiving end. We need to start living. I understand that we live in an individualistic society, but that doesn't mean we have to live with our hearts closed. Now is the time to take a step back and think of the bigger picture. What is happening in the world? What are we contributing to humanity? Are we truly thinking of the broader concerns? Remember, Dr. King wasn't merely concerned with the racial problems of his community, he was simply concerned with theproblems of our communities and all of humanity. So I ask you: What are your concerns?
I was just talking to someone and I told them I was in school so I had to finish up some homework. This person says they were in school but they dropped out because it was too much work...
That, to me, is the worst excuse you can have for quitting. School is supposed to be a lot of work...YOU'RE THERE TO LEARN! What were you expecting?? If you have a dream, one that seriously resides in your heart and simply must be obtained, the road to it isn't going to be easy. If it is, you might be going after the wrong dream...marinate on that!
Example: Chris Gardner (Will Smith played him in the Pursuit of Happyness)...he pretty much went through hell to reach his goal. He was a single father, with just about no money. He dealt with setback after setback, but never gave up. He slept in a public restroom with his son simply because he was too stubborn to settle. Now, he's a self-made millionaire.
That's what it takes...you have to be stubborn in the face of adversity. If you give up every time things get tough, you'll never be successful (in terms of happiness) because you will always wonder: "What if I just held on for a little bit longer?" I've been there and I've vowed to never go there again. There are times now that I sit in my room and literally cry because life/school is hard but I have to keep going. It's the end result that pushes me just a little more. It's that vision that I get when I close my eyes. That feeling I get when I think about all that I've been through and where I know I'll end up. Ultimately, it's God. I make a lot of mistakes and I always will because I'm human, butthe one thing that I know I can control, for the most part, is my destiny. That's one part of my life where I can't allow myself to disappoint God. So the end-all-be-all is this:if you have a dream, expect the journey to be hard, but work hard to never quit. Remember, it's at that moment where you feel you want to give up that God is making moves, so just hold on and keep going. If you can't keep going then move out of the way and let someone who will, move in and take your spot.
I woke up this morning and felt the need to rant a little bit lol, so just sit with me for a minute! Please and Thank you.
Now, I'm just gonna dive right in and say I've been single for about 5-6 years now...
...the catch is that I'm 21, I'm a student, and I'm focused on a goal. So at this point in my life I feel like I need to be selfish. I need to be stingy. I need to keep my life to myself. Nope, I'm not willing to share. Being single doesn't equate loneliness though...when I think about it, there have plenty of times when I've been with someone and felt as if I was the only one there. Honestly, it has given me time to know how to be alone. I've talked to other college students about their relationships and constantly find myself asking: "Why are you still in that relationship?" They're clearly not happy, but they can't see themselves being without their "loved" one. GET OUTTA HERE! How is it that some people don't know how to be single at the ages of 20, 21,and 22?? I just don't get it. Now is the time, as many people would say, to find yourself, to know yourself, and to learn to like yourself--not just love yourself...you can love yourself to death, but if you can't like yourself WHAT'S THE POINT?? If you don't like you, no one else will; not even the guy/girl that you supposedly love.
By now, we've all heard of the devastating earthquake that has turned Haiti upside down. Of course, if you can, please donate whatever you can, there are plenty of organizations (do be careful though because there are some horrible people out there looking to make money for themselves, but God will deal them!). Now, if you can't give money or feel as though you simply have nothing physical to give (i.e. food, clothes, etc.), then please just say a prayer--it is truly the most amazing donation. It's time for us to stop thinking about our own personal struggles and think about those that are truly struggling...they honestly have nothing but hope. So, open your hearts and give the gift of prayer, it may seem like nothing, but trust me when I say it means a lot when you can put aside personal issues and simply think of others.
So this poem, which I wrote, isn't my favorite, nor is it my best, but it's true to my life and I think it's an appropriate beginning to a blog about change. Enjoy!
Introspection
Looking in the mirror
I never like what I see
I can’t stand the person
Staring back at me
I say mirror, mirror on the wall
If I hit you, you will fall
My image will shatter
Broken glass and all
But self-hate will stand
Proud and tall
Often times we look in the mirror and become afraid The image staring back represents that which we Try to hide in the shade And by choosing not to accept our true selves, We choose to live as empty shells
I live a lonely life,
No shame in that
It gives me time to think,
But I hate the flashbacks
A painful childhood left me
Bitter and cold
And to face that past again,
I’m not that bold
Instead I build walls
And pray they never fall
Sometimes we ignore the times in life that God needs us to confront We may even ask God what HE wants He wants us to look deep and remember His presence Remember He loved us in the past, and will do so in the present
Change is inevitable
Often regrettable
And always irreparable
And for those reasons alone, I hate it
I often sit with God, trying to debate it
I lose, He wins, taking that chance to
Show me why He’s the greatest
And that’s when I become a better me
For change is my cocoon hanging in the tree
Helping me grow the wings I need to be free
Life is about change, which is equivalent to growth We are often too afraid to take that first step When all we need is a little faith and hope We have to look inwards and find that inner strength And realize that we are capable of flying farther than we think.
Before I start actually blogging I just have a few things to say:
I've decided that I need to start over, begin anew if you will, not just with this blogging thing but with life in general. Yes, I have another blog over @ jerzii-thawtz.blogspot.com, but I can't nor do I want to keep up with it--it's really not my style anymore--so I'll probably shut it down. I love music and I love blogs that write about music,celebs, and things of that nature but I think I'm looking to do something more personal...hence the description "A Personal Statement." This blog will be about my life as I transition from college student to law school student, from young one to young male adult, from ignorant to enlightened, from smart to intellectual...my life is changing for the better. Through my transitions I want to inspire others to open their hearts, their minds, and their eyes to the world because life is more than just your journey and I'll explain what I mean in time.
Next, the meaning behind "Sorry-Life" is simple: before 2010 I wasn't living the life I was supposed to live. So, to my life, I am sorry. Plain and Simple...no further explanation needed lol.
Finally, I will, at times, blog about things in the news and/or entertainment field, but only if it's something that is truly in my heart to write about...in other words: it has to have meaning.
With that said, welcome to my new blog, I hope you enjoy and contribute!
