Prelude To A Kiss

By Alicia Keys

"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it's gonna take me so long to get somewhere"

Have we not all at one point felt the exact way Ms. Keys so effortlessly expressed? I know I have. For the longest time I felt as if I was out of place in the world, yet I was constantly trying to get somewhere. Where? I had no idea but I just knew I had to get there.

"Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded"

I honestly spent years trying to explain myself to someone, anyone who would genuinely listen, but I had been burned--so I thought--by so many people that I couldn't really let anyone in. I walked around with a heavy heart, guarded by brick walls, metal doors, prison bars, bolt locks, and bullet proof glass. No one was gettin in! I put on a fake smile just about everyday and just hid my pain and dealt with it all by my lonesome.

"But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear"

  Mind you, I'm only 21 and this pain had been with me for years...probably since elementary school. It was horrible. As a kid I was sort of outgoing and wanted to do normal kid stuff, but after I moved to GA I realized I was alone in my struggle. I became introverted. I was alone, but I thought I had to be alone. This was 8th grade. Then this idea that I was, and had to be, alone turned into me wanting to be alone. No one was good enough to be in my life, and those that were good enough were truly special people--most of which are still there. Unfortunately, I carried the notion of needing to be alone with me into college. It stopped me from enjoying life, plus I was literally starting to hate myself. I had to change with the quickness.

"And it's a long, long way to heaven, but I gotta get there"

 

After years and years of searching and questioning, I realized that ultimately I was trying to find my way to heaven, which had a lot to do with happiness. But in all that time, I was looking for it in the wrong places. I was trying to find happiness in the world around me, instead of looking towards God and finding the happiness within myself. Then, just recently, I said enough is enough, I have to be happy with myself and stop worrying about what others think of me...what people think of me is none of business! Now, I wish I could say I'm completely in that place but I'm not. I still fear judgment. I still expect the worst from people I meet. I still over-analyze many of the situations I'm in. The difference is, now, I'm happy with myself! No one can take that away. Nope, I won't let them. I can't go back to that lonely space again.

"Can you send an angel? Can you send me an angel to guide me?"

 I spoke about a few special people that are good enough to be in my life, but honestly I feel like I'm lucky to have them in my life. I feel like they are my angels because no matter what they are the people I know will be there for me. A couple of them I've known since I was extremely young (my Jersey fam...especially two people that I will forever consider my brothers though we don't speak as often as we should lol), then there's my GA people that I always have good times and conversations with, and then of course there's my real family (they can be replaced by no one). I think these people are my angels. They've saved me without knowing it and I love them for that!

So after all of that, I want you to know that whatever you are going through, it will be okay. It might be hard and you might feel alone, but trust me you're not. If no one else is with you, God is, and I am too! Hold your head up high and know that you can make it.

**The struggle is merely the prelude to a kiss**

- Kidd

(P.S. The exact cause of my pain was left out on purpose lol)